The nine different types of squash player, according to what’s in their bag.

Squash players. We’re an eclectic bunch. No matter which club you go to in the world, there’s bound to be an interesting mix of people playing our beloved sport.

From beginners to professionals and everywhere in between, we’ve taken a tongue in cheek look at the different types of squash players you’re likely to meet, and how you can identify them from what’s in their bag.

#1 – Just joined the local leisure centre

Ah, the first phase for many squash players across the world. They gleefully leave Sports Direct with their Slazenger Prodigy and three pack of double yellow dot balls. They could (should) have chose a bouncier squash ball, but they skipped straight to the ‘professional’ ball. They’re definitely going to be good enough to use one, they can just feel it.

They break out their best Nike football trainers, blissfully unaware of the havoc they’re about to wreak upon their poor local squash court’s floor. Any old football shirt will do.

They take to the squash court for the first time. Their shoes mark the floor. The weight of the racket hurts their wrist. The ball doesn’t bounce. They’re questioning when they last washed their football top. Their shoulder’s bruised from running into the wall. But none of that matters, they just had the best 40 minutes exercise of their life.

Anyone that started squash as an adult has likely been through this phase. You probably don’t remember it too fondly, however it’s what got you into squash in the first place. If you stuck around after this phase, then you likely moved to…

“I actually quite like this sport”

This player’s been playing for a few months now, probably once or twice a week. The squash addiction seed has been planted. They decide now’s the time to look into upgrading their squash racket and getting a ‘proper’ pair of shoes.

They spend a bit of time researching the best squash rackets on squashgearreviews.com (shameless plug!). They’re not ready to part with £100, so they go somewhere down the middle and find a racket that gets good reviews but doesn’t cost the earth. They choose a trusty pair of Asics and they’re good to go.

The gear arrives and they head to the squash courts. They’re a little shocked that the gear hasn’t turned them into an overnight professional. However, they’re enjoying using their new equipment and they’re excited to see how it helps them develop their game.

This is one of the most enjoyable times to be playing squash. If you’re at this stage now, you’re going to improving rapidly, you’ve probably started going to training sessions, and you’re getting to know the familiar faces at the squash club.

It’s a simple time to be playing squash. All you need is your racket, your shoes and a ball. The same can’t be said for…

All gear, no idea

This player has GAS, bad GAS. That’s Gear Acquisition Syndrome.

They’ve probably got 4 or 5 different squash rackets in their bag, and more at home. They buy all the latest branded clothing and have a different pair of shoes every month. They’re likely to base their purchasing decisions on which professional player uses the equipment. They spend hours each evening searching the internet for information, reading reviews and watching videos from Squash Source and PDHSPorts.

They’ll more than likely blame a poor performance on their squash racket. They know deep down they only have themselves to blame, but any excuse to buy a new racket is a good one in their books.

They probably also spend the majority of their free time writing articles on a squash gear website. Awkward.

“Looking for sponsors”

Taking things just a little too seriously, this player really, desperately wishes they were sponsored to use their favourite brand’s equipment. Mostly because they’ve spent £500 this year alone on new kit. Their recent attempts at tagging their favourite squash brand on Instagram have proved futile.

Alas, the recent string of losses in the bottom division of their local squash league have hindered their chances of being sponsored. At least they looked the part when losing to a 13 year old.

The hot-head

Squash can be a tough sport for those pre-disposed to a short fuse.

Their racket unfortunately bares the grunt of their anger. With each new racket they purchase, they tell themselves they’ll keep things together. Three shots into the tin later though and the poor racket’s fate has been sealed.

Medium to high probability they’re called Kyle.

The 1970’s called…

Reminding us of a time when men were manly, moustaches were long and shorts were short.

Most of these players were left behind in the 1970s. If you do bump into one in the modern day though, they’ll probably tell you how ‘back in their day, they only had wooden rackets’. They insist on using English scoring and ask for a let on at least 80% of the points.

“My body is a temple”

You can expect to find these players at the club at least 40 minutes before their match. They’ll be in the gym, stretching joints you didn’t even know existed. You wish you had their self discipline, yet you continue to rock up to the club 5 minutes before your game.

They opt for a fresh orange juice after the match while you sit there with your beer. Remember, guilt is for the weak and that you earned your drink.

The racketball / Squash 57 player

Years of playing squash can take its toll on players’ joints. A variant of squash called racketball (or Squash 57 in some places) has surged in popularity in recent years.

A lot of former squash players have taken up playing racketball. It’s a little easier on the knees thanks to the bouncier ball, and provides a fantastic workout due to the longer rallies. Players often commend the fact there’s no aches and pains the morning after playing. If playing squash leaves you feeling worse-for-wear, racketball could be just up your street.

Has anyone ever actually seen this person playing squash?

Mythical folklore suggests that this person may once upon a time have stepped foot on a squash court, though nobody was actually there to see it.

They’ll be in the bar most nights of the week, enjoying a beer and and generally chatting away to other members. After a few drinks they’ll probably lecture you on how to improve your squash game. Smile and nod.

Can you think of any more?

Obviously this whole article’s a little tongue in cheek. The mass majority of squash players have a couple of rackets and a pairs shoes, however you can probably expect to find at least one of each of these people in clubs across the globe.

Are there any more types of player you can think of? Leave a comment at the bottom of the page!