Sixteen irritating habits of squash players

Squash is an awesome game. If you’re reading this article, the chances are you love playing. However, the more you play, the more the little things your opponents do begin to frustrate you.

Last week, we published ‘The nine different types of squash player, according to what’s in their kit bag‘. The internet has spoken and plenty more suggestions of different players came flying through.

We’ve listed sixteen irritating habits that players bring to the squash court. Are you guilty for doing any of these? Can you think of any more? Let us know in the comments at the bottom of this article!

1. Hogging the ball during the warm-up

The unspoken rule of the warmup – hit the ball two or three times and then cross it to your opponent. 

If you’re British and play squash, you’re probably far too polite to point out to your opponent that they’re being overly liberal with their time on the ball.

You consistently hit the ball twice and pass it over, hoping they get the message. Five drives, three volleys and four drop shots later, they finally hit the ball back to you.

Added bonus: they hit the ball over to you, you miss-hit it, it goes straight back to them and they begin the twelve shot routine once more. Your internal rage intensifies.

2. The miss-hitter

You play a good shot, they stretch out and take a full swing for the ball. The unmistakeable sound of the ball hitting their frame sings through the court. You watch, helplessly as the ball spins violently towards the front corner nick. It rolls. You cry.

3. The lucky nicker

Much like the player above, this player has a habit of finding the nick, even when they didn’t really plan on it. The worst offender is the player who’s stuck in the back corner and only has the option to play a boast. Yet, some how, some way, their boast rips into the front nick. Completely unintentional and completely soul destroying.

4. The player who asks for everything

The 1980s called and they asked for their rulebook back. They could have all the space in the world and they’d still ask for a let, if not a stroke. They’re utterly shocked when a referee gives a no let because they should have played the ball.

5. The player who asks for nothing

On the total opposite end of the scale, this player has a total disregard for safety and no awareness of personal space. If you’re in the path of the player or the ball, you’d better brace for impact.

6. The player who doesn’t understand the stroke rule

They play the ball, it comes firing back towards them. You raise your racket to show you could hit the ball. You ask for a stroke and they suggest you just play a let. No. That’s not how this is going to work Sonny-Jim. You spent the next few minutes trying to explain why it was a stroke, they still don’t understand. You give in and play a let, but you’re not happy about it.

7. The player who argues with the referee

Attempts at arguing with referees are often futile. When a referee has made a decision, they won’t change their mind. If they do change their decision, they look weak and can lose control of a match. Accept the decision, bury your frustration and move on. You’ll probably play better in the following point if you can keep a cool head.

8. “Definitely only bounced once”

You play what you think is a winner. Your opponent scrambles to the ball. You’re convinced it bounced twice, they’re adamant it only bounced once. You argue for a minute and then violently agree to play a let. Neither player is happy with this outcome.

9. “Tough rally, better tie my shoes”

You win a 40 shot rally. The adrenaline kicks in. You ready yourself to serve for the next point – lo and behold, you turn around to see your opponent tying their shoes.

The laces were absolutely fine. You know it. They know it. It’s tactical shoelace warfare.

10. The excuse maker

The excuse maker likes to let you know that they only lost because of a twinge in their ankle, an ache in their thumb or the fact they ate a lasagne 20 minutes before playing. 

11. The commentator

The evolution of the excuse maker. The commentator will explain to you where they went wrong after every point. Little do they know that they’re explaining to you their weaknesses. You sympathise with them, then do exactly what they’ve inadvertently instructed you to do.

12. The unsolicited advisor

This is a tough one, as these are often older and more experienced players who just want what’s best for you. However, listening to a ten minute monologue on where you went wrong in your match from your opponent can be a little painful. Listening to more experienced players can work wonders for your game, though there’s probably a better time or place to give the advice.

13. The ‘leisure centre’ player

These players often have decent levels of fitness, but lack a basic understanding of how to play squash. Everything you’ve been coached suggests you should beat these players. However, their combination of unpredictable shots, questionable movement and near-impossible retrievals can make them a nightmare to play against.

14. The hot head

Squash is well known for bringing out the biggest bouts of anger from even the quietest of people. If you’ve never shown your anger on a squash court, you’re either a liar or a saint. It’s normal to be a little twitchy every now again. This player takes it to the next level though. Their squash rackets often find themselves in the firing line when things go downhill. These players are great for squash racket stores, silver linings!

15. The ball thief

You buy a brand new ball at the start of a game. You finish up your match and go your separate ways. Only when you get to your car do you realise your brand new ball has made its way to your opponent’s bag. They collect squash balls like the tooth fairy collects teeth.

Psst, if the ball thief has struck and need to buy some new squash balls, if you purchase them from Amazon using my Amazon Affiliate link, the price will be exactly the same as normal, and I’ll receive a small percentage of the sale as thanks. It’s not much, but it helps me to continue to run this website.

16. The squash gear evangelist

“You can’t use that racket, it’s awful. You need this one, it’s miles better.” – Pay little attention to these players. Find a racket that works well for you and stick with it. Sure, you can read reviews to get an idea of how a racket might play, but the best thing you can do is try out a racket for yourself to see whether you enjoy using it.

Update: Bonus player – the “old man” way of playing

I forgot about this one when writing the list, however it popped into my head and I couldn’t-not include it.

When players get a little older, their legs perhaps don’t work as well as they used to. To counter for this, they more often than not develop the ‘old man’ way of playing. A few crafty tricks later and you find yourself absolutely seething on the squash court. Prepare for some astute ‘tactical blocking’, they might back into you and ‘trap’ you as they play their shot. They’ll also ask for a tonne of lets when you know full well they’d never reach your shot.

Though their fitness and agility isn’t what it once was, they counter for this by developing high levels of skill. They’ll do their best to send you the wrong way constantly. This isn’t really an annoying trait, as it’s technically brilliant squash, however it’s definitely something that’s going to frustrate the life out of you.

Reader submitted frustrations

“The player with bad body odour” – Let’s cut to the chase. Squash is a sweaty sport. Sweat contains bacteria. Bacteria causes your gear to stink. Wash your gear. Preferably with something like this to kill the bacteria. There’s nothing worse than playing someone who you can’t stand to be within two metres of.
– Lee Brady, Squash Stories

“The wide swinger” – Nope, we’re not talking about an overweight person into extramarital activities. This person should come with a warning sign – step within 6 feet of their swing at your peril. The excessive swing rule goes out of the window against these players.
– Also Lee Brady

“I’ll kill you with kindness” – Probably one of the nicer traits to have on this list. These players are just so ridiculously polite, to the point where it’s off putting. They’ll play a great winner and then ask you if you were okay and offer to play a let. You almost feel guilty at the fact they’d even offer to play a let when they’ve just clearly ruined you with their shot.
– Simon Bunter, Squash Stories

“The no game player” – We all play squash for a bit of fun. Some players aren’t into the whole ‘fun’ thing though. Even when playing players considerably worse, they still bring their A-game. They’re more interested in decimating their opponent than giving them a game. Purposely ‘bagelling’ an opponent who’s a far weaker player than you isn’t really good form, and people will probably think you’re a bit of a dick.
– Wayne sparks, Squash World

Can you think of any more?

There’s twenty potential frustrations in the list above, but there’s surely plenty more to be found. Let us know in the comments below what your opponents do that really drives you up the wall (no pun intended!).